Category Archives: Looking back

Why do I click a selfie everyday?

18 Thursday May 2023

Posted by in Hope, Life, Looking back

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It has been so long since I returned to the keyboard for writing a blogpost that it almost seems like a new place altogether. What does not feel new place however, is the urge that pushes me to write. So, without much ado, here we go.

Recently, I did one of those AMA (Ask Me Anything) stories on Instagram. One of the questions was “What motivates you to click a selfie every morning?“. I answered “I could say it was my good looks, but it is actually the determination to not have a negative body image.“. At the time, I thought it was a pretty smart answer. When I look back at it now, I realise how unthinkable this answer would have been just a decade or so ago, and how much it means to be able to say that with complete honesty. It has been a long journey on the sands of time, and it has not always been an easy one.

When I was born, I was a premature baby who popped out to say “Hello world!” in the 7th month itself. I think that was the beginning of my habit of reaching everywhere before time. Of course, this meant that both mother nature and my mother had a lot of work on their hands. While my mother did her best and was instrumental in helping me survive (I was severely underweight and had a low chance of survival), mother nature did not seem to bother much and shipped me out on an as-is basis. I was born with unilateral grade 3 microtia (an underdeveloped right ear), weak vision in the right eye, and according to some people, an under-developed brain as well. With so many “right” parts having issues, it has been no surprise that I have ended up being left-leaning in my way of thinking and opinions.

Growing up with 1.5 ears and 2 eyes, out of which only one ear and one eye worked well wasn’t easy. I don’t mean this in the sense of physical health. Apart from the scare at birth, I have enjoyed pretty good health all my life. If you have been mocked for any real or perceived physical imperfection by anyone, you will know what I am talking about. Hearing nicknames like “one with the crooked/broken ear” or “half-hearer” is never easy on the heart, especially when you are a child. Having to hear the sniggers around makes you suspicious of anything that (non)strangers say around you, especially when you are not able to very clearly hear what they are saying. It can lead to some paranoia as well. That was pretty much what I went through almost till the 10th standard. Thankfully, and I mean this with the most gratitude I can, my teachers were particular about not allowing other kids to tease me, at least in the class. Outside class, I had a small set of friends who looked out for me. Most importantly (and I am not boasting here), being in the top 2-3 scorers in class helped shield me from some of the vicious bullying I have ever seen. Whoever said kids cannot be evil/vile was not from my school for sure.

While I got through school (and later, college) relatively unscathed, it did leave a deep impact on my psyche. I mastered the “art” of withdrawing into myself while being a part of a crowd. I could sit in a group of friends, laugh along and yet not remember a word of what they were saying afterward, because I was never really “present there”. Introversion was not even second nature to me, it became my default personality. Till this date, I do not know how I went through those years, and I do not remember much about those days. Even today, I sometimes hesitate to approach strangers in new places because the person that I left behind years ago makes his presence felt occasionally. The mirror was never my friend, used only to check if my hair was not too dishevelled and the camera was something I faced only to get pictures clicked for sticking onto application forms. I did not hate my body, I just did not like the way I looked. I felt incomplete, like a “defective piece” as one of the nicknames in school went. I didn’t look for ways to improve physically, because I didn’t feel I could.

Thankfully, though I always felt that I could not get better in terms of looks, it was never to the extent of feeling that I should not or that I did not deserve to. I have to thank the ever-present store of optimism that I have been blessed with and which I can dip into for a refill whenever needed. What I really needed was a healthy dose of “I have had enough, now I want to create a better version of myself”. This happened in 2005-06 when I left my first job and enrolled for a post-grad diploma. Being the second oldest student and being nudged ahead everywhere by my fellow classmates put me in situations where I had to interact with the professors, convince them of ideas for projects, and occasionally even convince my groupmates about the ideas the professors put forth. Though this was unknown territory for me, I decided to use necessity as a launchpad for self-betterment. It meant a lot of pain in the initial days. Anyone who has been an introvert will know of the pain involved in getting out of the shell. I had my initial fiascos and setbacks, but it was more than worth it. I am still not perfect, but I am so much better than what I was back then. From being the guy who spoke less than 500 words a day, I can yap non-stop if given a chance and an audience. I can also arrange for my own topics to talk about if you don’t have any in mind. šŸ˜›

In all this journey, my most important achievement was facing myself in the mirror and not turning away. Contrary to what one might think, there was no overnight change or a sudden epiphany that made this happen. This was made possible by years of effort, caring by loved ones, and even indifference by those around who showed me that how I looked did not matter in how they dealt with me. In a paradoxical way. their “not looking” at me helped me “look better at myself”. What also helped was the availability of smartphones around the time this was happening. I honestly don’t know how I could have managed this if it meant clicking pictures with film cameras and the process that followed it. A monthly trip to the photo studio would have been in order then, I suppose. šŸ˜€

Though I grew increasingly comfortable with the camera in the past decade, “one selfie every day” is something that has been happening regularly over the past 6-7 years. I click dozens of selfies every day, delete all but a couple, and send it to a few close friends who I trust to be uncomplaining guinea pics (that isn’t a typo, it is just my punny side). These are the people from whom I willingly accept both bouquets and brickbats, suggestions for new angles, lighting conditions etc. Most importantly, these are the ones with whom I can be vulnerable. That is one side of me which I have nurtured to what it is, almost like a parent would nurture a sick baby to health. That side is only for those whom I really trust to understand me.

So, am I completely comfortable with myself today? With the way I look? Of course not, but I no longer flinch at what I see in the mirror or in the picture. Most of the time, I like what I see. On some days, I absolutely love what I see. That, in a nutshell, is what the selfie-clicking is all about. Learning to love myself and accept myself with all things good and otherwise, a tiny bit more with every passing day. That selfie is my agreement of self-love that I renew every day, without worrying if someone else wants to be a signatory or not.

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It’s swell to fail!

30 Sunday Aug 2020

Posted by in Life, Looking back, Musings, Opinions, Optimism

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It is always good to get back to writing something which is not code or emails or documentation. Though writing this did get a bit uncomfortable for me at times, I also enjoyed it. I hope I am not too rusty.

This was inspired by a Twitter thread where someone listed all the failures he had faced in his life – an anti-resume, so to say. I liked the idea. While a resume highlights all your successes and achievements, it is your failures that play a more important role in shaping your character and keeping you humble. They ensure that your feet stay on the ground and your head stays on your shoulders, and doesn’t touch the clouds. What a pain in the neck would that be. šŸ˜‰

So, this is about me listing (literally) some of the failures in my life. Some will be known to those know me, some would be probably new. There might be some surprises and “Really? I wouldn’t have guessed that” moments in there too. While there are things that are quantifiable failures (flunking an exam, for example), I have also included some moments in my life which made me feel like I have failed. After all, successes or failures are as much about perception as they are about hard reality. So, here we go:

  1. Aimed to score 95% PCM in my 12th board exams, but didn’t study well enough and got only 85% instead.
  2. Appeared for the IIT-JEE with very little preparation and obviously didn’t get in. The papers got leaked that year and exams were re-conducted. My preparations did not change, and neither did the end-result.
  3. Didn’t take the first semester of engineering seriously enough and failed in 4 subjects out of 8.
  4. Didn’t learn my lesson from the first semester and failed 3 out of 4 subjects of the first semester (in the ATKT exams) and 4 out of 8 of the second semester. Ended up with a grand total of 7 ATKTs out of 16 at the end of the first year.
  5. Didn’t tell my parents about the second semester results for about two weeks. I went to the college and sat in the library all day for those two weeks as I did not have the courage to tell them the truth.
  6. Spent a year at home cooped up in a single room all day. I couldn’t go out as I didn’t want to face the obvious question – “Don’t you have to go to college today?”.
  7. After getting my engineering degree, I decided to appear for the GATE exam and go for post-graduation. Again, my efforts weren’t serious enough to crack the exams, and a year went by.
  8. Started looking for a job. Submitted my CV to at least a few dozens of companies and job portals, with no response from anywhere. At least a couple of trees sacrificed their lives for my job-search.
  9. In the desperation to land a job, any job, I applied to a few call-centre jobs. Since I was an introvert who froze like an ice candy in group settings, got slaughtered in group discussions and sometimes even in one-on-one interviews.
  10. When I landed my first job, I was never really happy with the working environment, the amount of corruption and the brazen “sab chalta hai” culture. It almost killed my soul, but there was no alternative in sight. I almost resigned myself to a lifetime of crushed dreams.
  11. After I did my post-grad diploma, I started applying for jobs in IT companies. In most of them, I cleared the first couple of rounds only to get to hear “Oh but we are only looking for candidates with CS/Electronics/IT degrees”. I appeared for 23 such interviews before I landed my first job.
  12. In my third year on the job, I set my eyes on the “Employee of the Year” award. Worked my backside off to ensure my team (and I) delivered the maximum output, but ended up not getting the award.
  13. Love happened, or at least I thought it did. That dream went poof in the matter of a couple of months as I got dumped.
  14. Love happened again. Popped the question and got turned down rather dramatically. The flame was still burning within, though.
  15. Popped the question again after a couple of years, and got a “Yes” this time, only to see her parents get her married off to a guy of their choice, a year down the line.
  16. Changed my career profile (within the same company), but the experiment did not prove to be a success. Almost got chucked out of the job, only to be saved because my old team/manager welcomed me back. (#15 and #16 happened almost in parallel, because of which #15 hurt even more)
  17. Met someone through a common friend to “see if you guys like each other”. After a few months, got to hear a “yes”, which was followed by a “I need to think” and later a “no”.
  18. Somewhere over all these years, I “lost” a couple of good friends, who simply ghosted me one fine day.

That’s quite a list, isn’t it? Yet, I am sure I can find a few more if I look really hard. Fortunately, I tend to forget my failures and remember the lessons I learn from them. This has served me well so far, and I intend to keep doing so.

So, is it really all gloom and doom? Not at all! I know that’s what you would expect me to say, but it is indeed the truth. Every single one of those failures has either taught me something valuable or changed me in a way that left me better equipped for the challenges to come. A lot of what I am today is because of my upbringing and basic nature, but the list above has played a greater role in making me the guy you see today. I have learnt far more from my failures, goof-ups and blunders than I have ever learnt from my moments of glory.

More importantly, life has been kind enough to keep me afloat in many ways – either by rewarding my efforts most of the times, or by sending along the right people at the right moment. They often pushed me to make the right changes at the right time. Even when things have gone wrong, they haven’t gone wrong irreversibly. I have always had a lifeboat to sail on, and that is something I have always been grateful for, and will continue to be.

Last but not the least, I have come to believe that if not for my failures, I would never have succeeded at all. While my successes have kept me happy, my failures have kept me humble, which is how I intend to stay. Failures are natural and inevitable, necessary even. That’s why I say “It’s swell to fail”. šŸ™‚

Connections!

27 Friday Jan 2017

Posted by in Hope, Life, Looking back, Musings, Optimism

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The seed of this post was sowed when a friendĀ asked me to write something random on a piece of paper so that she could analyse my handwriting. The first couple of paragraphs are from what I wrote then. Now, whenever someone tells me to write about anything at random, the first thing that comes to my mind is what people call by various names like relationships, friendships etc. I prefer to call them “human connections” because that’s what they really are. Depending on the situation/setup in which these connections are formed, we formalise them using various names.Ā In the end though, it is just one human connecting (or in some cases, not) to another.

Humans are incrediblyĀ complex creatures (yes, even those who look monotonous and boring on the surface) with innumerableĀ facets to them. I believe that when two individualsĀ connect, these facets resonateĀ or conflict with each other. This leads to peopleĀ getting attracted to (not necessarily in the romantic sense) or repelled by each other. What followsĀ is aĀ complex (and hence interesting) mix of emotions (consciously or subconsciously), which then lead to actions and reactions, sparks (or lack or them). Having grown up as an introvert and having spent the better part of my life in the background in any social gathering, I have always loved reading people like one would read books. Hence, seeing two people interact is like reading two books at the same time, with the story of one affecting, and quite possibly changing that of the other. For a people-reader, that is nothing less than watching a journey where the path changes as the travellers walk it. ThisĀ makes it really fascinating. What makes it even more fascinating (and more intensely affecting) is when you areĀ not just theĀ observer, but also one of the travellers.

When you switch from being an observer to being a traveller, or as in my case, being both, it becomes more fun, or troublesome, depending on how it goes. In either case, it does teach you a lot, no matter how it goes. All you really need to do is to keep your mind and heart open. Yes, you do also need to keep your eyes open, as I have learnt over the years. As I mentioned above, I was largely an introvert growing up, someone you can call a “late bloomer”. So ever sinceĀ I “bloomed” (no innuendo intended), I have been compensating for both the lack of talking (much to the chagrin of those around me) and not having too many social contacts by wanting more people as a part of my life in various respects, as friends, colleagues or even just acquaintances. Out of these, friends are the onesĀ I hold closest because of three reasons. Firstly, they are connections one generally makes consciously as a choice, as opposed to relatives where you have no choice or acquaintances whom you keep at a safe, socially acceptable distance. Secondly, when they happen without you knowing how, they areĀ even more wonderful. Lastly, they are the ones whose actionsĀ affect you the most, whether it is making you happy, sad, crazy or plainĀ frustrated (when they are being asses).

Due to this, maintaining my friendships became a big priority for me, and it still is. For this, I had to transform myself from the introvert that I was to an ambivert (I don’t think I have become an extrovert yet) that I am today. ThisĀ has also helped me greatly, in the sense that I have become a lot less judgemental than I was a couple of decades ago, and a lot more accepting of people when they messed up or did something I didn’t like. This was also because I understood that no matter how good people are, they will invariably make mistakes, and should not be blacklistedĀ because of them. Unfortunately, this also meant that some people in my life gotĀ to be more of a priority than they deserved (as I eventually learned). I knew that not everyone in your life can/should be a priority, especially when makingĀ them aĀ priority meant compromising on your interests/self-respect. But yes, I did give some people the benefit of doubt (paraphrasing Casablanca – “DoĀ it again Sam, for old times’ sake”), which they eventually exhausted.Ā So, slowly and steadily, I have started keeping them out of sight (and hence, out of mind). The funny thing here is thatĀ I know that it’s the right thing to do. But with the kind of person I am, it’s not an easy thing to do. Especially when you have to do it because the connection you had with that person simply withered off because the other person did not invest much into it, or maybe even I didn’t do my part. In either case, it’s not a happy thing to happen for me. It does make me feel a bit sad.

But like most things in life, you live, you learn. Whatever happens, leaves you feeling sad, but eventually does turn out to be for the best. So, no regrets. Just because some connections died, I am not going to stop investing in new ones (except romantic ones – I’m not in the space for that right now, but talking about that needs a separate post altogether). There might be a dark, gloomy night once in a while, but I am going to make sure that I faceĀ the sun with a smile when the dawn arrives. šŸ™‚

P.S.: This post was intended only to empty my mind and not to make any sense. Really. So, please don’t try to find it. If you do find any, it is your lucky day. Go buy a lottery ticket, or pick up the phone and dial the number that you have been wanting to but shying away from. šŸ™‚

An old return. A new beginning.

26 Saturday Dec 2015

Posted by in Life, Looking back, Love, Musings, Optimism

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Returning to writing after a long time has a charm, as well asĀ a risk of its own. On one hand, the longing to get back to the realm of words tugs at your soul. On the other, you tend to remember why you had stopped coming there and grow wistful. Be it sheer laziness to hit the keyboard for reasons other than bread and butter, or the fear of your words exposing the secrets you have painstakingly kept hidden from the world, it is always a tricky business – maintaining the balance between the urge to tellĀ and the desire to remain silent. Add to this the typical philosophical or “year in review” mode I usually find myself around this time of the year and there can either be drama or disaster – nothing in between.Ā That said, I hope my return here today will be a fruitful one.

One of the hazards of writing after a long time is to decide what to write about and what to leave unmentioned. Typically, I would write about the year gone by or something that impacted me deeply, or even the hottest topic of the day (whatever that happens to be). This time, however, I haveĀ chosen to write about how the year gone by changed me (for good or for bad) and what I would like to see myself as in 2016. It is quite possible that this post will contain too much of “I, Me, Myself”. Please bear with me (or glide away in cyberspace, if you choose to) šŸ™‚

2015 was a year where “The more things change, the more they remain the same” proved to be true, sometimes in a good sense, sometimes in a not so great one. While the career went (and is still going) great guns, a lot still remains to be achieved. The hunger to prove myself is strong as ever, and the fire of happy dissatisfaction which has always beenĀ my propelling force, still burns bright. I travelled to a new country (for work), met new people, saw places that I had always wanted to see, and all this totally on my own, without any company. For someone, who is more comfortable in company than in solitude, this was an interesting occurrence. While health was largely okay, there was a slight scare which was taken care of. Love/companionship was an area where life continued to tease (and taunt). While it was indeed disappointing to end the year with a single status, that is something I have learnt to take in my stride.

For all that it gave (and pushed on) to me, 2015 did manage to change me. I grew a lot quieter (I know that will come as a relief to some :D), more introspective and less likely to use my tongueĀ before I used my brains.Ā From being someone who used to be (mostly) emotion-driven, I learnt toĀ hide them when needed. While internally, I am still as much of a little childĀ as I was a year ago, I learnt to put up a more “grown up” (read: unemotional) face when faced with anĀ unfavourable situation. What also changed was that I learnt to better read people before forming an opinion about them or trusting them. I am still not perfect, but I am much better and hopefully,Ā this will stand me in good stead in the times to come. Last but not the least, I realised I still had the ability to make people smile,Ā even when I wasn’t exactly smiling myself. That was something I thought I had lost along the way.

So, what did not change? The undying (andĀ stubborn)Ā optimism still remains. That is something IĀ hope never changes. The ability to forgive easily still remains (though I do wish I had the ability to forget as well). The easy smileĀ is still there, though the laughter doesn’t burst like before. The desire to do the best in everything that I undertake hasn’t dimmed, and neither has the happiness when I see my loved ones happy. šŸ™‚ I can still wax eloquent (or philosophical as needed) for hours at end when I am in the mood. Oh, and the “quality” of my PJs still remains intact. Whether that is good news or not, depends on how much of them you are subjected to. šŸ˜€

All in all, 2015 did give me a lot (while taking away a bit) and I will be grateful to life for yet another worthy year. Looking at the way things are lined up for 2016, I am hoping for it to be a milestone year (in many aspects). Hopefully, I will be much more regular here to document it. Till then, here is to forever optimism and never say die. 2K16, here I come! šŸ™‚

 

This above all, to thine own self be true

09 Monday Dec 2013

Posted by in Life, Looking back, Musings

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Disclaimer: If you expect this post to make sense, please stop reading right now. This is meant only as a random series of thoughts and nothing else.

So said the bard many years ago, and the words continue to hold true even today. However, the reason why these words popped up in my mind today is entirely different. I was talking to a friend of mine, and after some time, the conversation veered towards towards my (non-existent) love life. She asked me if I was seeing someone. I replied that I wasn’t, but I held hope that somewhere down the line, I will have someone in my life. While I did expect her to say something positive, what she said next did come as a surprise. “You have lit up many lives. God will definitely brighten up your path soon.” were her words. I am no stranger to compliments (call that boasting if you want) but that did set me thinking.

In all my life and interactions with people, I have evoked a variety of reactions among people. I have been called an angel at times, an asshole at others. There have been people who have started off with calling me an awesome guy, and ended up calling me an awful person to know. There have also been people who have gone the other way round (thankfully). Amid all this, what has remained constant is my amusement at how the same person can elicit such diametrically different reactions in the very same people over time. I do understand that I have changed over time – sometimes for the better, sometimes for the worse. Circumstances too have their say in how I behave, and consequently, what people think of me. But the change has been quite dramatic in some cases. There have been individuals with whom I hit off so well, that it seemed to be the beginning of a long friendshipĀ but some of these ended in them walking out of my life, supposedly pissed off at/by me, yet not bothering to tell me why. And there have been chance encounters which have blossomed into some of the most precious friendships I have ever experienced.

While the positive experiences warm my heart, and the not-so-good ones leave me dejected, I have slowly learnt not to take either of these too much to heart. There will always be people who will be fond of me, and there will be those who can’t stand the sight of me. But yet, at the centre of it all, I am very much the same person. And I am the only person whom I have around at all times – bright or blue. I may not be right always, but neither am I always at fault. All I really need to do is to be honest to myself and those around me, and I am sure life will work out the rest quite well. That is the only thing I aim for. So, whether you think of me as a great guy or as someone who grates on your nerves, understand that I am just being myself. If you have an issue with that, be honest about it, I promise that I will give it a thought. What I don’t promise is to change myself because you think I need to. That will happen only when I think I need to, because as uncle William said – “This above all, to thine own self be true”. šŸ™‚

Kuch khaas hai, hum sabhi mein…

18 Wednesday Sep 2013

Posted by in Happiness, Life, Looking back, Musings

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So, after days of no updates, here is the second update in a single day. Thank (or blame) Ganpati Bappa for that. It is the visarjan half-day (coupled with work-from-home) that helps me do this. šŸ™‚ Just like one of my earlier posts, the idea for this one too comes from Meenu.

The concept she came up with was quite simple – think of yourself as a model and decide which product/brand would you endorse and why. Now, while the concept might be simple, deciding the product/brand was not so easy, simply because I am not a brand fanatic as such. For me, the utility of any product is what matters more than the name it bears. Of course, some names are a more reliable guarantor of quality than others, but then, that’s about it. Having said that, it didn’t take me much time to arrive at what I would endorse if I had the chance to. If, like me, you have been a teenager in the 90s, you will surely have a look at the title of this post and instantly know what I am talking about. Yes, its something that we all grew up with – our beloved Cadbury. šŸ™‚

Unlike kids today who have a plethora of options when it comes to stuffing their mouths with various cocoa byproducts (we HAVE TO thank MMS and PVN Rao for opening up imports), kids (and kids at heart) in the 90s grew up on a staple diet of Cadburys. While we all had our personal favourites, I can safely bet that Eclairs, 5-Star, Dairy Milk and Gems were always around, not to forget the daily morning cup of Bournvita (yes, I drink Bournvita even today, no matter what you think of me). In their own way, I would say each of these was special to every one of us. As for me, I wasn’t too much into 5-Star or Eclairs (sticky ones are a no-no for me), but I was absolutely crazy for Gems and the Dairy Milk bars. Sweet memories of these go a long way back into time. Yes, you can call me an oldie if you want. I would be too lost in the rich, creamy taste to even notice. šŸ˜€

But then, are memories made up of only taste? Definitely not, when you have grown up with such wonderful chocolates around, factors other than taste are bound to mark their presence. The Friday evenings, when mom would get me a Dairy Milk, is something I used to look forward to as eagerly as the declaration of final exam results, which would mean a large packet full of chocolates getting delivered to yours truly. The BIG smile that would light up my ex’s face when I took a Bournville out of my bag is something to be seen to be believed. Similarly, the 100W bulb waala expression on someone’s (you know who you are :D) face when I mention “blue waali Gems” is unparalleled. This is the stuff that cherished memories are made of, and Cadbury has been a Ā big part of these.

I could go on and on about the Cadbury magic, but I will have to stop it here. There is a Bournville in the fridge calling me, and I think I have definitely earned it. šŸ˜€

Salty icecream, sweet sunshine

28 Tuesday May 2013

Posted by in Hope, Life, Looking back, Love

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Walking hand-in-hand, he felt a slight tug of her hand on his. Turning back, he looked into her eyes – only to see what he had been dreading since that morning. A look of resignation, tinged with fear and laced with uncertainty. “What happened?”, he asked, not really expecting an answer. She continued to look at him, almost urging him to not say anything.

“Lets sit down here for a minute. Is that okay?”, he said – pointing to a bench nearby. “Do you really think everything is okay, Bugs?” was her hesitant reply. “I know its not, but I don’t want you to get affected by it.”. She said nothing and just sat on the bench as if someone had laden a million burdens on her shoulders. He settled down next to her and just held her hands, silently, reassuringly.

For a few minutes, the only sound one could hear was of the traffic passing them by, while both just looked at each other – speaking nothing, saying a lot. When the silence got unbearable, she blurted out – “I can’t do this anymore. I don’t want to do this anymore!!”. The suddenness of what she said took no time to hit him, yet it was a few seconds before the impact of it truly hit him. And when it did, tears welled up in his eyes. However, this is not the time for them to show up, he thought to himself as he pushed them back with sheer effort.

“I know why you said that first sentence, but I don’t believe you when you say that second one. I know very well that you do want to do this.”

“This is what scares me really. Why do you know me so well that I can’t even bloody lie to you? At least then you would be hurt less than now“

“There is nothing like more or less when it comes to pain, Bunny. And who says that you are hurting me? The situation that we are in is screwing us..fine..agreed…but we will overcome this, I am damn sure.”

“How the hell can you be so confident that it will work out? I don’t see it happening.”

“Even I don’t see it happening – we will have to make it happen. And no matter how optimistic I am, I cannot do this without you. We cannot do this without each other.”

He reached out to her and held her face in his palms, tenderly kissing her forehead. “Don’t do that. You are making it more difficult for me.”, she said.

“Really, if that is the case, why are you still holding on to my arm? Why are you not letting me go?”.

“Coz I don’t want to…I don’t want to.”

“So now you know how I am feeling…right? And you felt you could walk away just like that out of my life?”

“I was hoping I could, but I know I am wrong. I am so selfish. I can’t assure you of anything, yet I want to hold on to you.”

“You’re not selfish re…its just that life is really testing us. Do you remember about how we talked that day about having a house on the beach in our old age?”

“Hmmm…”

“We may or may not end up in that house, but does that mean we don’t even try?”

“We must try re, but I am not sure whether we will succeed”

“Neither am I…but then that is the beauty of it. If we succeed, we enjoy the destination. If we don’t, we have at least enjoyed the journey.”

“How can you be so calm? I just don’t understand that.”

“Well…firstly you don’t understand many things. Secondly, who is calm? Idhar mera band baj raha hai. Baahar se nahi dikhta to kya hua?”, he said, tapping her head lightly.

As she broke into a slight smile, he pulled her cheeks and said..”Do you like salty icecream?”

“Salty icecream??? Kuchh bhi!!!”

“Haan of course!! Itna rona dhona kar diya…icecream khaaogi to wo bhi salty ho jaayegi dekhna..”

“Nahi hogi…meethi hi hogi…tum hi dekhna. Aur haan…I am gonna eat up your coffee walnut icecream too.”

“Arey then what I am supposed to do?”

“You? You are supposed to pay for the icecream, watch me while I eat it and yes, then you are supposed to drop me home. Chalo..kaam pe lago..bahut kaam hai tumhaare liye!!”

As a bright smile returned to her lips and her eyes sparkled with a new-found happiness, they walked towards the ice-cream counter. The future was still uncertain, but love had Ā lived on, to witness one more day of sunshine.

Do sikke

01 Wednesday May 2013

Posted by in Happiness, Hope, Life, Looking back, Love

≈ Leave a comment

“Here, keep this with you”, he said, handing a coin to her.
“Whats that? Oh, a 10 rupee coin!! Where did you get one of those?”
“Actually, I got two of those. One for you and one for me.”
“I don’t think I deserve to get anything from you…not anymore!!”
“Why so?”
“…..”
“Just because things have not gone the way we wanted them to go, that doesn’t mean I can’t do anything for you…right?”.
“……” All she could do was hold on to his arm and rest on his shoulder, like a child holding on to a parent.

His fingers intertwined with hers, partly as a matter of habit, mostly as a gesture of assurance. “You don’t have to say anything…not now, not ever.”
“This isn’t fair to you…”
“Sometimes life isn’t fair…not fair at all. I gotta take what comes my way.”

Clasping the coin in her palm, he faintly kissed her fingers and said “Keep this one with you…and I will keep one with me”.
“Is this meant to be a forever-together promise? What happened to that ‘we will always be under the same moon’ dialogue of yours?”
“That was when we believed that we would always be together. Things didn’t quite turn out that way na?”
“…..”
“There will be a time when my being there, if only in your memories, will hurt you. That is something I just can’t allow to happen. If I ask you to look at the moon and remember me, the moon is never going to go away, and neither is the pain. This coin can be used and let go on its way forward.”
“And what about you? Are you gonna let your coin go, too?”
“………”

This was one question he had no answer to. He could only look in her eyes – speaking nothing, saying a lot. “I think I should leave now…“, said she as she held on to his fingers for one last time and stepped back.

Both the coins stayed tightly clasped in their palms, waiting to be let go on their way forward.

Does love happen only once?

15 Monday Apr 2013

Posted by in Life, Looking back, Love, Musings

≈ 1 Comment

So…quite a difficult question in the title up there, right? And supposedly, one with no simple answer, right? Well…no and yes respectively, if you ask me. The question is really simple, the answer not quite so. Does Cupid behave like lightning and refuse to strike at the same place twice? Or does he believe in second chances? Like all good questions, this one too doesn’t have a definitive answer, and I only have my experiences and observations (not to mention, beliefs) to fall back on.

Let me keep things simple here. If you ask me if love can happen twice, my answer would be a resounding YES. No round about answers there, just a simple, uncomplicated yes. Okay, so if someone falls in love the second time, doesn’t that mean that s/he wasn’t really in love the first time round? Or even worse, isn’t s/he just a fickle-minded person who jumps from one romantic interest to another with little hesitation? Since I have been asked (and answered) these questions many times before (this doesn’t imply that I have been in that situation many times :P), here is what I always say to these questions.

Firstly, we need to stop treating love like a non-renewable energy resource, which cannot be replenished once depleted. The way I see it, love is more of a verb than a noun, a promise than a feeling. Loving someone is not (just) something that happens instinctively, its a conscious promise that you make to yourself and that person. Of course, you may or may not be able to fulfill that promise depending on the circumstances, but that doesn’t take away from the fact that it is basically something you do, and not something that happens to you out of the blue. And by that definition, you can indeed commit yourself to another person, though obviously not at the same time – that would just make you a desperado in my books ;).

Consider this – why do we think that we will not be able to love someone else? or for that matter, no one is able to love more than once? Why do we feel that the so-called “true love” happens only once? I feel it is because we carry around the remnants of the first love for too long with us. Agreed, it was wonderful to be in love with someone, and to have shared dreams of sharing the sunset of life with that person. But if circumstances have taken that person out of your life – it is indeed for a reason. It need not be anyone’s fault – it could simply be that despite of all that was, you two just weren’t meant to be. And if you keep carrying the burden of the past with you, you are neither going to enjoy the present, nor going to be able to create the future. To create a new dawn, you have to leave the old dusk behind. For the tree to flourish, the seed has to be buried. It might sound (and be) painful to do so, but if it has to be done, it has to be done. šŸ™‚

On a lighter note, consider the mathematical proof (invented by yours truly) of how love can happen more than once. In fact, it can happen at least 300 times. Surprised? This is how it works: The world population is about 7 billion. For the sake of even figures, assume it to be 6 billion. Out of these 6 billion, let only 10% belong to your age group (the “eligible” candidates for a romantic interest). This comes to about 600 million. Considering that you are only interested in the opposite gender, this halves down to 300 million. Now, even assuming that your so-called “the one” is one in a million person, the best ever, and all that jazz, there are 300 people who fit this definition. So, even if you haven’t struck gold the first time, there are still 299 more arrows in your quiver. Now doesn’t THAT sound good? šŸ˜›

Well, mathematical proofs aside, one thing is irrefutable – love can indeed happen twice, provided you open your heart to it. Sinking its head in the sand did no good for the ostrich, and it won’t do any good for you either. So if you haven’t found your rainbow the first time round, don’t worry – there will still be many monsoons coming your way. šŸ™‚

Back to life

08 Monday Apr 2013

Posted by in Happiness, Hope, Life, Looking back, Love

≈ 1 Comment

The sudden whirring of the coffee machine right behind him jolted him back to his senses. Looking at the now empty glass of Devil’s Own in front of him, he signaled to the cafe attendant for a repeat order. While waiting for the coffee, he focused his gaze on the crowds outside the cafe.

Observing people was his favourite hobby, making stories out of those observations his passion. He remembered the time when they used to sit for hours on a corner seat and create stories out of the crowds passing by. From blossoming love stories to kids sulking because they were denied their treats, from huge groups of cheerful faces to loners enjoying their crowded solitude, their imagination had led them on endless flights of fantasy. Creating stories was something he always enjoyed, doing so with her was the proverbial icing on the cake. “Tum kahaaniyaan banaate nahi thakte na kabhi?” was her usual refrain. “Haan to kya karu? Tum saath hoti ho to mera imagination kuch zyaada hi daudne lagta hai. Sab tumhaari hi galti hai. :P” was his usual retort. All over the years, the refrain never changed, and neither did the retort. It was one of those things where change was pretty much unwelcome.

The loners (lone rangers, as she called them) were his favourite subject, because when there was not much to observe, there was much more to imagine. Never thought I would end up being one of the lone rangers, he smiled to himself. “Let me see if someone out there is observing me. Am I somebody’s lone ranger?” Sure enough, there were a few eyes drifting across him, taking care to stop justĀ long enough to observe, butĀ not long enough to stare.

It was a few months since they had seen each other for perhaps the last time, and he still remembered her eyes, fixed on him as she walked (no…dragged) away from Ā him, perhaps the most difficult steps she ever took. Endless moments had passed since then, and though he did not really like it, he had habituated himself to a life without her. The only thing that he had not mustered enough courage for, was to step into their favourite cafe. Doing something which was an “us thing”, all by himself, almost felt like sacrilege. But he knew, deep within, that he needed to do it.

Finishing the second cup of coffee, he paid the bill and walked out of not just the cafe, but also his past. A past, which was undoubtedly beautiful, but would look best only in the sunsets of memories, not the sunrises of the dreams. He walked back to life.