Category Archives: Opinions

It’s swell to fail!

30 Sunday Aug 2020

Posted by in Life, Looking back, Musings, Opinions, Optimism

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It is always good to get back to writing something which is not code or emails or documentation. Though writing this did get a bit uncomfortable for me at times, I also enjoyed it. I hope I am not too rusty.

This was inspired by a Twitter thread where someone listed all the failures he had faced in his life – an anti-resume, so to say. I liked the idea. While a resume highlights all your successes and achievements, it is your failures that play a more important role in shaping your character and keeping you humble. They ensure that your feet stay on the ground and your head stays on your shoulders, and doesn’t touch the clouds. What a pain in the neck would that be. 😉

So, this is about me listing (literally) some of the failures in my life. Some will be known to those know me, some would be probably new. There might be some surprises and “Really? I wouldn’t have guessed that” moments in there too. While there are things that are quantifiable failures (flunking an exam, for example), I have also included some moments in my life which made me feel like I have failed. After all, successes or failures are as much about perception as they are about hard reality. So, here we go:

  1. Aimed to score 95% PCM in my 12th board exams, but didn’t study well enough and got only 85% instead.
  2. Appeared for the IIT-JEE with very little preparation and obviously didn’t get in. The papers got leaked that year and exams were re-conducted. My preparations did not change, and neither did the end-result.
  3. Didn’t take the first semester of engineering seriously enough and failed in 4 subjects out of 8.
  4. Didn’t learn my lesson from the first semester and failed 3 out of 4 subjects of the first semester (in the ATKT exams) and 4 out of 8 of the second semester. Ended up with a grand total of 7 ATKTs out of 16 at the end of the first year.
  5. Didn’t tell my parents about the second semester results for about two weeks. I went to the college and sat in the library all day for those two weeks as I did not have the courage to tell them the truth.
  6. Spent a year at home cooped up in a single room all day. I couldn’t go out as I didn’t want to face the obvious question – “Don’t you have to go to college today?”.
  7. After getting my engineering degree, I decided to appear for the GATE exam and go for post-graduation. Again, my efforts weren’t serious enough to crack the exams, and a year went by.
  8. Started looking for a job. Submitted my CV to at least a few dozens of companies and job portals, with no response from anywhere. At least a couple of trees sacrificed their lives for my job-search.
  9. In the desperation to land a job, any job, I applied to a few call-centre jobs. Since I was an introvert who froze like an ice candy in group settings, got slaughtered in group discussions and sometimes even in one-on-one interviews.
  10. When I landed my first job, I was never really happy with the working environment, the amount of corruption and the brazen “sab chalta hai” culture. It almost killed my soul, but there was no alternative in sight. I almost resigned myself to a lifetime of crushed dreams.
  11. After I did my post-grad diploma, I started applying for jobs in IT companies. In most of them, I cleared the first couple of rounds only to get to hear “Oh but we are only looking for candidates with CS/Electronics/IT degrees”. I appeared for 23 such interviews before I landed my first job.
  12. In my third year on the job, I set my eyes on the “Employee of the Year” award. Worked my backside off to ensure my team (and I) delivered the maximum output, but ended up not getting the award.
  13. Love happened, or at least I thought it did. That dream went poof in the matter of a couple of months as I got dumped.
  14. Love happened again. Popped the question and got turned down rather dramatically. The flame was still burning within, though.
  15. Popped the question again after a couple of years, and got a “Yes” this time, only to see her parents get her married off to a guy of their choice, a year down the line.
  16. Changed my career profile (within the same company), but the experiment did not prove to be a success. Almost got chucked out of the job, only to be saved because my old team/manager welcomed me back. (#15 and #16 happened almost in parallel, because of which #15 hurt even more)
  17. Met someone through a common friend to “see if you guys like each other”. After a few months, got to hear a “yes”, which was followed by a “I need to think” and later a “no”.
  18. Somewhere over all these years, I “lost” a couple of good friends, who simply ghosted me one fine day.

That’s quite a list, isn’t it? Yet, I am sure I can find a few more if I look really hard. Fortunately, I tend to forget my failures and remember the lessons I learn from them. This has served me well so far, and I intend to keep doing so.

So, is it really all gloom and doom? Not at all! I know that’s what you would expect me to say, but it is indeed the truth. Every single one of those failures has either taught me something valuable or changed me in a way that left me better equipped for the challenges to come. A lot of what I am today is because of my upbringing and basic nature, but the list above has played a greater role in making me the guy you see today. I have learnt far more from my failures, goof-ups and blunders than I have ever learnt from my moments of glory.

More importantly, life has been kind enough to keep me afloat in many ways – either by rewarding my efforts most of the times, or by sending along the right people at the right moment. They often pushed me to make the right changes at the right time. Even when things have gone wrong, they haven’t gone wrong irreversibly. I have always had a lifeboat to sail on, and that is something I have always been grateful for, and will continue to be.

Last but not the least, I have come to believe that if not for my failures, I would never have succeeded at all. While my successes have kept me happy, my failures have kept me humble, which is how I intend to stay. Failures are natural and inevitable, necessary even. That’s why I say “It’s swell to fail”. 🙂

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In the zone!

10 Sunday May 2020

Posted by in Musings, Opinions, People

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First things first, this is not “the zone” that many creative folks (programmers, even) keep talking about – that near-mythical, yet real stretch of time where you get stuff done that would otherwise take days of toil. This is the often hated and derided “friendzone” that I’m going to talk about today.

In theory, it sounds a reasonable thing to hate on or be scared of, right? Imagine having feelings for someone and only to have them tell you that they want to be “just friends”. You cannot just extinguish your feelings for them in a moment, and are supposed to behave as if what you felt was just an aberration and then move on with life. Wouldn’t that be the perfect recipe for mental agony? A cruel joke played on you by your heart and your luck ganging up on your poor little self? For no fault of yours, you are being stuck in a place where you would never want to be, and are expected to grin and bear it. Well, like many other theories surrounding our emotions, this one too springs from a desire to find an easily digestible solution to a tricky situation. One which requires little or no introspection, and definitely no swallowing of a hard pill.

Most often, the friendzone is portrayed as this dreaded place where you are put (against your wish, of course) by someone who not only does not reciprocate your feelings for them, but also expects you to “take it on the chin” and continue being there for them. That’s exactly where I have a problem with the narrative. Firstly, just as you have the right to have feelings for someone, they too have an equal right to not feel for you in the same way (or in any way, in fact). Your feelings for someone are (sadly) not a prize you bestow on them. They are just what they are – your feelings, for someone. Secondly, no one can or should force you to “stay in the zone”. You have a right to take a step back and step away if it hurts you to listen to the “no”. What you do not have a right to is to make the other person’s life miserable or blame them in any manner for making yours miserable.

Now, I understand that it is quite painful when you want to be with someone and then they say that they don’t feel the same. I have been there a couple of times, and I know it kicks your heart’s ass (if your heart had an ass, that is). However, it’s really about stepping into the other person’s shoes and looking at the situation from there. Would it be fair to them to accept someone’s proposal just because they are a good friend. A friendship (however deep and loyal) doesn’t entitle someone to romance. Romantic love is not an obvious logical progression of every friendship. For some, it might be. For most, it isn’t. Most of the hatred/fear for the friendzone comes from this very entitlement. Though everyone can find themselves in the friendzone, this entitlement (sadly and yet predictably) is more of a male thing. One needs to get this thing clear – Nobody owes anyone love/sex/romance just because you have been a “nice person” to them. Get that thought out of your head (and ass) ASAP.

So what does one do when they are “stuck in the zone”? The first and the most essential thing to do is to accept that this is not the earth-shattering calamity that it feels like. Yes, you are hurting, and yes, you will get over it eventually. Discuss it with them and understand their point of view, too. Stay away from them if you need a break. They might ask you to stay around, but you are not needed to unless you are on solid ground. When you are hurting, it’s better to take time off and sort out your head rather than stay around and get messed up further. Whether it’s love or just a fleeting attraction, you don’t have to be a martyr to it. When you are feeling better, you can always get back and see if you can still have a healthy friendship.

Secondly, take as much time as you need to heal, but don’t expect to heal in a specific time-frame. Go by how you feel, not by how you are supposed to feel. It might take 10 days or 10 weeks, you are the one who sets your timeline. If and when you do get back, don’t try to “steer things” towards how you want them to be. That’s a jackass move, and will not do any good for anyone.

If you noticed the usage of “if and when”, I have got news for you. Yes, it is quite possible that things may never return to what they were, inspite of you trying honestly. And while that’s regrettable, it is what it is. Swallow that pill and step away while you still can. It will do you well down the line.

Ultimately, it boils down to one simple thing – nobody is entitled to anyone’s love, or friendship. Don’t be selfish, and don’t let others be that way with you.

P.S. In case you are wondering if it is ever possible to “break out” of the friendzone, it is indeed possible. I can say that for sure because I have done it once. But I will be the first person to tell you to not hang around in hope – that road leads to nothing but disaster.